Atos 20

Atos 20:34

And although for this there were great rewards for his merits prepared, yet [Paul's] mind, however holy and sublime it might be, could not help being sometimes drawn away from that heavenly contemplation by its attention to earthly labors. Further, … he saw himself enriched with such practical fruits, and on the other hand considered in his heart the good of meditation and weighed as it were in one scale the profit of all these labors and in the other the delights of divine contemplation. For a long time he had corrected the balance in his breast, while the vast rewards for his labors delighted him on one side, and on the other the desire for unity with and the inseparable companionship of Christ inclined him to depart this life. At last in his perplexity [Paul] cries out and says, "What I shall choose I know not. For I am in a strait between two, having a desire to depart and to be with Christ, for it were much better: but to abide in the flesh is more necessary for your sakes." Though then in many ways he preferred this excellent good to all the fruits of his preaching, yet he submits himself in consideration of love, without which none can gain the Lord; and for their sakes, whom hitherto he had soothed with milk as nourishment from the breasts of the gospel, does not refuse to be parted from Christ, which is bad for himself though useful for others. For he is driven to choose this the rather by that excessive goodness of his whereby for the salvation of his brothers he is ready, were it possible, to incur even the last evil of an anathema. — CONFERENCE 23.5.4-6